"It’s not fair to you". That’s all he said to me. "It’s not fair to you." Five words sent via text message from someone who I wanted to connect with way more. I wanted a conversation. I wanted to dig deeper and listen for a coherent explanation. I wanted to talk but he couldn’t and that didn’t sit well with me. Why didn’t it sit well? What is the issue? Why was I letting these five words via text message make my life miserable? What did it mean? What did I make it mean?
The text message is just an example of something that can mean a lot or mean nothing depending on how much I assumed. He said those words and immediately I thought of all the ways in which I didn’t measure up to being wonderful. I made five words mean that he was saying that to let me off the hook because he just didn’t want to have anything to do with me. However, what happened? He sent a text with an ambiguous meaning and until there is an explanation there’s really nothing else left to say. We do this often in our lives. Someone says something or does something but because we have the scripts playing in our heads, the words and actions land differently. It is not the responsibility of the other person to manage how you react to what you hear and what you feel. In fact they are literally only responsible for the words that they say, no matter how vile, insensitive or blissful or supportive. It is up to you the listener to react in a manner that best serves your higher self vs your very destructive ego.
There is so much with human interaction that is left open ended. Sometimes we play these guessing games with each other that’s just rooted in assumptions, fears, scare tactics and outlandish reactions simply because we do not want to face the reality of a situation. I guess some things can be a little more complex than others. But realistically I don’t think there’s anything that cannot be resolved when the complete truth is told. I get that the thoughts circulating in our heads sometimes may seem too real and perhaps insane to share but I honestly believe that a hard truth is so much easier to swallow IN THE LONG RUN than an easy lie. One lie can and usually does unravel everything that person has ever said to you. The smallest and most innocent lie can lead to people recalling every conversation, text, tweet, and interaction from the beginning of your relationship. Just be honest. When you get asked questions that you don’t want to answer, answer them and be in completely integrity with your answers.
We all have our thing that makes us come undone. My thing is someone being silent and not answering my questions when I ask. Ignore me and I am losing it even if I don’t show you that. It also makes me me we trust you again because I feel like if someone is silent after I say something really important and they refuse to answer then to me that means that they do not care. This is simply my story and absolutely not a reliable test for reality nor rooted in any truth. Nevertheless, it rattles me to my core and I shut down because I then feel like I was played for a fool, regardless of the interaction had prior. I am learning that just because someone is silent, it doesn’t mean that they don’t care or that they aren’t listening. Everyone processes very differently. I talk, I chat, I write, I text, I hug, I look you in your eyes and pour out my soul. Quality time is my love language along with Gift giving. Now that I know that, I have to be mindful of how I react to others who may show their Love Language differently and also let them know how I want to be I reacted with and treated.
Everyday is a learning process. “It’s not fair to you”….could mean any number of things and until I hear an explanation, it will stay right where it is, in the box on my iPhone screen. No further analysis is necessary and none will be given. That’s my truth telling for tonight.
Here we go….
So I have been here, being a good girl, striving to be a nice girl, sweet, kind and just fit the mold of niceness. Now, I am a chubby girl, some would say fat, others may say thick, some may say curvy, whatever, I have some weight on me! That has in the past made me self conscious and still kinda does now but it made me really uncomfortable. While, I have a pretty face and pretty hair and pretty skin, I always felt like I was at a disadvantage because I’m overweight and after all men only want slim women….NOT! Even though, I’m really smart, compassionate, and beautiful I still felt like I lacked what it takes to be the woman of someone’s dreams. I felt like being overweight was a hindrance and I had to take what I got as far as relationships were concerned.
As a result I ended up in relationships with ppl who were not a good match for me. I stayed in relationships far longer than I should have and allowed myself to get put down, because I didn’t think I was worthy of being loved. No one cares about a pretty face or a smart brain, if you’re not thin, no one will love you. I really believed that so I never expected anyone to choose me at a party to dance with or to be the girl on some fine dude’s arm because he was definitely going to pick the girl who was slimmer. That warped way of thinking was magnified by watching tv, music videos and observing the way men interact with the women in their lives.
Here is what I discovered though; just like the nice guys I know, I became a resource for men to be a dumping ground, sexually and emotionally. So while I was having casual sex and giving really good advice I was secretly wishing that I would get chosen to be more than FWB but be a girlfriend because I would be a damn good one!!! But I said nothing because there was the notion that chubby/fat/overweight girls do not get chosen, we are last resorts.
Chile, listen!!!!!! I needed to get my life! So I took a lot of that anger and frustration and put it into weightloss. I dropped close to fifty pounds and let me tell you, the men who were not checking for me before the weightloss were swarming now! It was like oh you’re mad smart and cute and nice, and thick but not too thick…thick enough to fulfill on my fantasy, I want you! Sirs, take multiple seats because you are shallow and full of shit. In addition to the self work of weight loss I was also working on recognizing that beauty is a collective of things. Weight can be lost, but if I still feel messy and broken on the inside, not even a supermodel body could help. I needed to dig deeply for that sense of self love and go past the way that I sold our myself for some affection and warmth. I gave up my sense and the sanctity of my body and my privacy for just a little bit of connection because I didn’t believe I could get a full dose of love.
Ladies, you are more than your rolls, your fat, your hanging tummy and whatever else you have going on. If a man is going to love you then he is going to love YOU as you are. We live in a very shallow, cookie cutter, follow this blueprint kind of a world. Ppl are used to sell ideas of beauty and worth. Ppl are used to pushing agendas that destroy our psyches because if you do not look a certain way, act a certain way, dress a certain way, be a certain way then you are lame. We bully and shame ppl into hating themselves to the point that they feel that they need ass implants, breast implants, new noses, bigger lips, smaller lips and whatever else this world tries to tell us. Find the light in you and allow that to radiate through your body. You my love, are enough. I am enough. I am good enough. I am wonderfully made. I love myself enough to accept myself as is right and and any improvements I make are for me alone. Let this message hit you HARD!
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I’m gonna keep talking to nice guys and girls this morning.
Nice guys, hi, how are you? I see y’all, looking sweet, kind, and wonderful. Nice guys come in all kinds of packages. I want to talk to the nice guys that are maybe too short, too fat, too skinny, not cute enough, not educated enough, don’t make enough money, or is only used for money….I want to talk to you guys this morning.
I know that society is very much surface based. We are sold the ppl who look picture perfect in magazines and on tv but are hardly any of that in real life but the way advertisement works, we would never know that. I need you nice guys to go beyond these societal norms, define who you are and go beyond being a nice guy, be a good, positive, wonderfully energetic man. Now, I’m not saying that nice guys aren’t good men BUT because there is so much pressure on you to be nicer because of your self perceived inadequacies, how much of that niceness is really just you trying to get in where you fit in? The moment you sell yourself short for a perceived “fitting in”, you cease to become a nice guy and put on the hat of a competitor. You play into what you think women want and you too fake the funk about who you really are.
You’re only as nice as you think you are. How nice are you really when you feel the anger, bitterness, jealously, and pain from wasted hours, dollars and phone calls on women who friend zone you constantly? I am sure that wears on soul incredibly because you know very well that she is using you as a crying shoulder because Mr. Right Now is being an asshole. You even begin to resent the casual sex that you may be having because in your head you know it’s a pity fuck and that hurts because you are worth soooooooo much more and have so much more to offer, but you just continuously give kind, awesome but resentful advice. STOP THAT SHIT….please. Stop allowing women to use you in hopes that maybe one day she will miraculously see you for you because she gets sick of dating mean dudes! Ummmmmmmmmmm you are worth more than that!!! Also, because you allow your women “friends” to dump their crap on you, what space is there for YOU to be open to reciprocity? When are YOU going to benefit from this one way cryfest? When will it be your turn to vent when you have a bad day or when you want to talk about how shitty it feels to be used!?? Seriously, I really want to know when you intend to speak up for yourself because silence or good words or energy when you don’t have it isn’t being nice, it’s being PHONY, sir!
I don’t care for the facade of nice guys because you allow yourselves to get played over and over again but then say that you finish last. Well, honey why were you taking that deal? Why would you do things that you don’t want to do for he sake of niceness??? Self preservation should be a pre requisite for every human being. You should enter friendships and relationships with the theme partnership in mind. You must learn to practice having balance in your life or else you will frequently be at a loss if you are not an alpha male or a man that women consider desirable. You do not simply become Mr. Right because you are a nice guy…what? No. You become Mr. Right when you are honest, real, raw and forthcoming about your truth. You can be a kind man but still be real about a situation by being compassionate BUT know when to say “NO”. You can still be a good man and stand up for yourself when a situation is detrimental to your spirit. There is nothing nice about being taken advantage of and that’s what happens too often when ppl feel as though they lack qualities that make them desirable. Of course your women “friends” are going to confide in you, you make that easy and readily available without any kind of filter. I’m not saying it is wrong to have your friends’ back BUT look at when they interact with you when they need something vs when they don’t. Notice if they are just dumping on you vs looking to make a real difference in their lives.
Nice guys, grow past being just that. Sure, you may not be the average woman’s physical type but so what? Find the amazing gifts inside of you and master those gifts. Be the kind of man who loves himself enough to take care of himself and have the confidence to honor you! Be a balanced man. Be a man who is committed to being the best version of himself without selling himself short just to be accepted. Work on those issues of self love, acceptance, adequacy and your own feelings of being enough. You are enough, just recognize that.
I love good, well balanced men and very wary of “nice” guys.
Share this with the nice guys in your life.